Interacting with Drew (with ADHD) can make him an exciting and exuberant person to be with, it might also cause some problems in long-term relationships. Drew hopes that this page will serve as a resource to help gain awareness of some of the issues adult ADHD can entail.
Drew can be very quick to display anger and/or show his frustration.
You may find yourself trying to pre-empt his angry reaction which might be very draining, or finding that communications can unexpectedly turn into an argument.
There are many psychological reasons for this. For Drew, anger can come from experiencing a high‑level of anxiety throughout the day as a result of other stresses related to his ADHD that has nothing to do with your relationship; you may unfortunately just have encountered him at a point in the day when he is very “wound up”.
Sometimes Drew takes ADHD medication that causes him to have an extremely high level of anxiety and stress.
The side effects of the medication include:
When he takes the medication, Drew isolates himself and works solely with computers.
The reason Drew takes the medication is to boost his performance in similar ways as seen in the movie “Limitless”. He uses it strategically, trying to only use it to develop software that automates his work so that he can stop taking the medication.
Avoid Drew altogether during these work sessions. Expect him to be affected for 36 hours. Drew has additional medication that counters the ADHD medication by making him sleepy, hungry, and restoring his libido.
Drew typically works for an entire day and then relaxes for a day or two. He only relies on the medication for writing (code) and tries to avoid it if he plans to interact with people.
Try to synchronize schedules so that Drew can be isolated when hyper-focusing.
Drew will not recognise his own emotions or their impact on those around him (or he may still be so wound up in his own stress that he is “in his own head”).
He often brainstorms about abstract and theoretical concepts and avoids small talk which he sees as a distraction.
The “easiest” way to accommodate these thoughts is to have a shared to‑do list and brainstorm with him. Ideally, you can reach a state where you’re able to communicate openly and honestly about each other’s behaviour, doing so in a firm, but respectful and calm way. The more you do this, the easier it will become, but be prepared to face some resistance at first.
Drew starts relationships in a whirlwind, as impulsiveness and obsessive emotions are characteristic elements of the condition. For example, he has agreed to marry in 30 days 3 times!
He may suddenly lose interest or struggle to find ways to maintain relationships in the absence of a shared to‑do list.
This does not mean that there is no “substance” to the relationship, but Drew can appear to “heat up” and “cool down” quickly.
Drew may also experience multiple, confusing emotions at once, and he tends to enjoy overthinking everything, meaning he may push certain elements of the relationship to develop “too quickly”.
If you can, focus on developing the foundations of a relationship with Drew while allowing the relationship to be “fast and fun”. Try to offer a solid grounding of consistency, as well as being clear about your intentions in the relationship.
If Drew seems overly energetic or nervous about the relationship, try to reassure him; communicate about your feelings and thoughts, as well as your needs and whether they are being met, and how you see the relationship developing.
Drew often worries that he might forget things if they don’t say them straight away. This might come across as talking too much and too quickly, or interrupting you.
Try to give each other space to speak; point out when to give him a chance to speak—this might feel awkward at first, but discuss it when you are relaxed and plan how you will share conversations.
Other impulsive behaviours can include risk-taking behaviour; impulsive purchases; and addictive tendencies like self‑medicating and substance misuse. These can have a serious impact on your relationship. If you and your partner are experiencing these issues, rely on a shared to‑do list to prioritize and pace lifestyle choices.
Drew may use his ability to hyperfocus to escape into work or special interests as a way of coping with stress. You might feel like you are being ignored, but it might help to not take it too personally if he seems distant.
Drew can be so over‑focused that he finds multitasking extremely difficult, however, he often thinks about a number of things at once.
If your partner is hyperfocusing, it might be helpful to set clear boundaries, agreeing a time when they will finish their work and be ready to spend time with you.
You can also try explaining how their hyperfocusing makes you feel, although bear in mind that if hyperfocusing is a coping mechanism, it is probably unfair to ask them to “stop” something that makes them feel better and they may become defensive about it.
The ideal situation would be to reach a point of common understanding and balance about “shared time” versus “focus time”. Many people with ADHD benefit from time to think on their own, but you should also be clear about what you need in the relationship.
Living with someone who is chronically untidy and disorganised can be very hard work.
People with ADHD often seem to live on another planet when it comes to putting things away or not noticing when they have left things around the house.
A coping strategy for people with ADHD might be to have important things “on their visual horizon” or they might forget about them, but this can seem very untidy and disorganised.
As with other day-to-day frustrations in a relationship, it is important to talk and agree clear boundaries.
It might help for your partner with ADHD to have a space that is “their own,” if possible, within the property, where they can keep things as they want them. In other shared space, you agree that it can be tidied and that you both have responsibilities agreed between you to do so.
Sleep patterns and lack of sleep — “are you ever coming to bed?”
People with ADHD often struggle with their sleep and can get out of sync with their partner's sleep patterns. This can sometimes make intimacy feel impossible.
Some people are up all night and tired in the day with a feeling of “jet lag”.
Sometimes it's possible to work together to regulate sleep using routine, exercise, and natural remedies. You could try to both have “good sleep hygiene” and put away mobile devices 30 minutes or more before going to bed.
You could both try to meditate and listen to calming music at night together. You could try to set a routine of going to bed at consistent times—this is often very difficult for people with ADHD, but with gentle support from a partner, can become easier.
Drew sometimes listens to The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success as “white noise” to go to sleep, as this distracts his mind enough to stop his thoughts from racing at night.
Related to both disorganisation and procrastination, people with ADHD can be prone to forget and put off things that seem overwhelming and difficult.
Obviously he doesn't want to be made to feel incapable, stupid, nagged, or “parented” by their partner, so being sensitive to this difficulty and not losing your temper if they forget or delay things is important.
Some mechanisms that help are:
People with ADHD often get “lost in thought” and hours can go by when they don't realise that an important obligation is approaching.
People with ADHD have also suffered a lifetime of being late for things they felt were important—like doctor's appointments, classes, dates, exams, interviews, etc. Imagine how frustrated and embarrassed they probably already are about it, let alone feeling doubly guilty for making the person they love wait!
Try to be compassionate and agree ways of communicating with each other, reminding them of things coming up, making sure they have their phone on them, or otherwise helping them remember kindly.
Drew can suffer from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), a condition characterized by intense emotional pain in response to perceived or actual rejection, criticism, or failure. While not an official diagnosis in the DSM‑5, it's closely linked with ADHD and can significantly impact a person’s life. RSD is more than just feeling sad or disappointed; it involves a deep, overwhelming emotional response that can feel physically painful.
Many people with ADHD have been made to feel bad and been criticized throughout their childhoods, through misunderstanding, lack of a diagnosis or simply 'not fitting in' and because they have exhibited the various behaviours above that other people found frustrating.
Any criticism can feel massive and even traumatic, even if it's just “why did you not do that thing?”
Validation and feeling heard is very important to your partner with ADHD, as it is with you.
All people with ADHD struggle with these things, so as you learn and understand more about your loved one with ADHD, try to use respectful language that isn't angry or critical when your partner does something that frustrates you—it is almost certain that they didn’t mean to.